Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Sadness Wins the No. 1 Pick in the NBA Draft Lottery

This undoctored photo of a projected lottery pick exists.

The NBA's annual draft lottery will be held tonight on national television. The luck of the proud men and women representing each of the Association's least successful franchises will tentatively decide which team picks where through the first 14 spots in the draft. But remember that, no matter who walks away with the No. 1 pick, they will feel the intense burn of shame rising through their body because, well, all these teams sucked this year. Here's why the no one walks away from this a winner:

Orlando Magic (20-62; 25 percent chance): Nothing is quite as magical as 3.5 hours away from the NBA's best team.

Charlotte Horned Bobs (21-61; 19.9 percent): Google thinks this guy is your new mascot/jersey designer.

Cleveland Cavaliers (24-58; 15.6 percent): The Cavs' star player probably isn't named after a Sailor Moon character, but who knows? He could be. I didn't check.

Phoenix Suns (25-57; 11.9 percent): By hook or by crook, owner Robert Sarver will mismanage this franchise to an NBA championship before 2098.

New Orleans Pelicans (27-55; 8.8 percent): Austin Rivers: point guard.

Sacramento Kings (28-54; 6.3 percent): Everything is going right for Sacramento right now. The Kings are destined to win the draft lottery, falling prey to the Maloofs' long-gestating endgame: trading the No. 1 overall pick for the rights to Wisconsin Sentor Herb Kohl's Milwaukee Bucks in exchange for favored residency.

Detroit Pistons (29-53; 3.6 percent): Have fun living in Detroit.

Washington Wizards (29-53; 3.5 percent): Michael Jordan played only 98 fewer minutes for the Wiz in two seasons than John Wall has through three years.

Minnesota Timberwolves (31-51; 1.7 percent): There's an Eastern timber wolf and a Canadian timber wolf. Both species reside in Canada. This is clearly the next franchise to relocate.

Portland Trail Blazers (33-49; 1.1 percent): The Blazers have been a sinking ship since Juwan Howard left, and Damian Lillard is no Juwan.

Philadelphia 76ers (34-48; 0.8 percent): Text Andrew Bynum later and let him know the outcome. He can't watch the lottery because he'll be too busy teaching everyone on the front office's draft board how to bowl.

Toronto Raptors (34-48; 0.8 percent): The Raptor is one of the NBA's best mascots. He's entertaining, energetic and interactive. To wit, he's nothing like the team he represents.

Dallas Mavericks (41-41; 0.6 percent): Myth: reached a .500 record so they could "shave" their beards. Fact: Mark Cuban has had the Mavs training staff give players estrogen in increasing doses to achieve Cuban's dream of creating a team of Brittney Griners.

Utah Jazz (43-39; 0.5 percent): Technically, the Jazz didn't suck. They were a fringe playoff team going into the finals weeks of the regular season. But they reside in the "Beehive State" and when Gordon Hayward realizes this, he's bound to do something inherently nerdy with it.

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