Monday, December 24, 2012

You're A Mean One, Mr. Stern

You're going to get fined for wearing that during a game, 'Melo. (
The holidays are here and will soon be over. You're surely rifling through seasonal foods, wrapping paper and scotch tape in anticipation of the festivities. Before feasting on tomorrow's NBA treats, make sure you find a way to get all of these fake songs that I made up this afternoon very existent, oddly franchise-specific songs downloaded so your ears are not deprived of basket-hoop background music during your late December:

Atlanta Hawks: "O Christmas [Jeff] Teague"
Boston Celtics: "Santa Claus Is Bringing Rondo's Headband Back To Town"
Brooklyn Nets: "Hark! The Gerald Wallaces Sing"
Charlotte Bobcats: "We Three Kings (Kemba + Michael + The Blazers' 2013 First-Round Draft Pick)"
Chicago Bulls: "The First Noël Without Derrick Rose"
Cleveland Cavaliers: "Even Santa Claus Gets The Blues When Kyrie Doesn't Play"
Dallas Mavericks: "O Mark Cubino (One Cold and Skip Bayless-ed Winter)"
Denver Nuggets: "Go Tell JaVale About Consistency In The Mountains"
Detroit Pistons: "The Twelve Austin Dayes Of Christmas"
Golden State Warriors: "Feliz NaviDID YOU SEE THAT HARRISON BARNES DUNK?!??!?"

Houston Rockets: "His Beard Had Bells On Christmas Day"
Indiana Pacers: "(Gerald Green Jumped) Up On The House Top"
Los Angeles Clippers: "God Rest Ye Merry, Grant Hill"
Los Angeles Lakers: "All I Want For Christmas Is Synergy"
Memphis Grizzlies: "Rudolph Gay, Our Red-Hot Scorer"
Miami Heat: "Boogie Woogie Santa Juwan"

Milwaukee Bucks: "I Want An Efficient Back Court For Christmas"
Minnesota Timberwolves: "Baby, It's Cold Outside (The Three Point Line)"
New Orleans Hornets:"Grown-Up Christmas List (Doesn't Include Comics, Robin Lopez)"
New York Knicks: "(Half Our Team's As Old As) Auld Lang Syne"
Oklahoma City Thunder: [Redacted in case Kevin Durant really isn't nice, as marketing strategies now suggest]
Orlando Magic: "Santa Big Baby"
Philadelphia 76ers: "Christmas In Hollis" (as performed by Royal Ivey)
Phoenix Suns: "Do You Hear What I Hear When Michael Beasley Says He Wants To Be MVP?"
Portland Trail Blazers: "Children, Go Where I Send Thee (J.J. Hickson Might Shoot Another Three)"
Sacramento Kings: "Happy XMas (DeMarcus' Suspension Is Over)"
San Antonio Spurs: "Carol Of @DaTrillStak5"
Toronto Raptors: "Away In A Manger, Or Any Way, Andrea Bargnani"
Utah Jazz: "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth Another 5x5 (A Jamaal Tinsely Holiday Jam)"
Washington Wizards: "(At Least We Were 0-0) Last Christmas"

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