Thursday, June 6, 2013

Where Will The Heat And Spurs Be In Six Years?

It's been six long years since LeBron James and the San Antonio Spurs met in the NBA Finals. (

It's been six long years since LeBron James faced the San Antonio Spurs in the 2007 NBA Finals. James was with the Cleveland Cavaliers at a time before the burning of his jerseys, an owner's letter written in Comic Sans and the winning of a title.

A lot has happened in six years. The Spurs added to their dynasty argument with a fourth championship in 2007 and then hasn't been back since winning that series. James was being questioned if he could win in Cleveland, which led to The Decision and now he is looking to win his second straight ring.

Which brings Alex Skov and I to wonder, where will James, the Spurs' big three (Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili) and the Heat and Spurs franchises be six years from now? Here's our best (OK, probably not) guesses.

The Spurs' Big Three: Duncan, already at 37, and Ginobili, 35 and now suffering from injuries, will have hung up the sneakers for several years. Ginobili will be resting with a luxurious head of hair(plugs), while Duncan will spend his time setting off-ball screens at second-tier celebrity charity games and yelling at a recently rehabbed Justin Bieber to use his freaking left hand. Parker will probably still playing in the NBA at 36 or 37, even if it will seem like he's closer to AARP age, dishing out assists for the Spurs to a young at heart but dinosaur-aged Tracy McGrady, who is allowed to use a Segway for the first halves of games to stay rested.

San Antonio Spurs: Gregg Popovich will still coaching the Spurs, but also teaching spacing philosophies to roadside garbage pick-up crews as a part-time corrections officer and coaching other NBA coaches on how to make sideline reporters cry. Eventually, Popovich gets bored and moves the team away from it's workman-like, fundamental and strategy-filled style of play in favor of a flashy, if-you-can-see-the-basket-it's-a-good-shot gameplan. Danny Green will go too far with the new freedom and shoot a record 32 shots per game, averaging a career high 13 points per game. Meanwhile, Tiago Splitter releases underground rap mixtapes under the name T. Spitter at the behest of his out-of-the-league former teammate, Stephen Jackson.

LeBron James: With Dwyane Wade getting out of the league after Kobe Bryant's recommended Germany medical trip goes wrong, LeBron makes a decision to play for the Washington Wizards (this time with a more tasteful 30-minute decision show) while wearing a headband twice the normal size in an attempt to retain his *ahem* youthful appearance. Determined to end the Michael Jordan comparisons, James went to Washington to prove he could put up better numbers at the end of his career than Jordan did with the team. Because of this, he makes John Wall only touch the ball to throw alley-oops to him. He is also looking into retiring and purchasing the Cleveland Cavaliers, making them a laughing stock until he comes out of retirement to save the day and win back the heart of the city.

Miami Heat: The Heat are no longer a title contender, making the 14 true, die-hard fans who have season tickets and stay for the whole game very upset. Erik Spoelestra loses credibility and is called Vinny del Negro v. 2.0, proclaiming to the media, "I promise you, I have at least two notebook pages' worth of plays!" Other players decide to leave with James, including Shane Battier, who retired and is offering in-studio NBA analysis while testing teams' interest in bringing him on as an assistant coach, and Mario Chalmers, who refuses to be yelled at by just Chris Bosh, causing him to fill the Irrational Confidence Guy role as an overpaid sixth-man for the New York Knicks and be yelled at by Carmelo Anthony.

Several key role players remain, including Udonis Haslem, who finally adds range to those mid-range jumpers just in time to have a consistent 3-pointer ready for all those times he needs it in retirement. Having matured, Chris Anderson will just go ahead and get the tiny spaces of open skin between his tattoos inked in an attempt to hide the mistakes he took as a young-ish man. Norris Cole? He is still rocking the flat-top. What else matters?

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