Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Why Every Team Lost the 2013 NBA Draft

Good luck finding success with your respective idiotic franchises. (footbasket.com)

"Down" was the popular word to describe this year's draft class, and rightly so, though most spectators grabbed that tag and refused to acknowledge the depth of talent in the rising rookie class. But because this is the Internet and everything is bad at all times, take a couple moments to dislike every pick by every team in the 2013 NBA Draft. (Don't forget your own favorite! Bash those stupid general managers!)

Atlanta Hawks
General Manager Danny Ferry got Joe Johnson's contract off the books last summer, but his follow-up trick included doing his best David Kahn impression by drafting three point guards and a guy with the last name "Ennis." Did he learn nothing about NBA nicknames from Utah's great Enes Kanter experiment?

Boston Celtics
The Celtics' lone pick in the draft, Brazilian center Lucas Nogueira, didn't even go to college and missed out on important keg stand experience. Pundits doubt he'll be able to learn the necessary balance before the rookie symposium, thus dooming him to a professional career full of taunts such as, "Great dunk. I remember my first beer," followed by knowing winks. It's good that Boston wasn't in need of a center, though, because that allowed Danny Ainge to trade Nogueira to Atlanta.

Brooklyn Nets
"A big white guy from Duke? I gotta have it!" - Mikhail Prokhorov, believing Jay-Z was still invested in the franchise.

Charlotte Bobcats
Michael Jordan runs this team and selected Cody Zeller at No. 4 overall with Bobcats' only pick in the draft. Too easy. Make up your own joke.

Chicago Bulls
Nothing says "gritty defense" like picking a skinny guy with cornrows and an Erik with a "k."

Cleveland Cavaliers
Four picks in a deep draft and the Cavs managed to avoid drafting their point guard of the future. Dumb.

Dallas Mavericks
Mark Cuban was angling for a cameo in the next Hobbit movie by adding Kelly Olynyk to the roster as a power forward/giant elf tweener, but traded the Canadian after deciding an appearance on Shark Tank was more lucrative.

Denver Nuggets
Rudy Gobert is no Rudy Fernandez. Traded!

Detroit Pistons
Failed to capitalize on the marketing potential of Detroit's massive college basketball standing when they didn't draft Ray McCallum, Jr.

Golden State Warriors
Acquired Nemanja Nedovic from Phoenix in hopes of turning the Serbian shooting guard into the next Anthony Davis, but were disappointed to find out Nedovic does not, in fact, have a uni-brow.

Houston Rockets
Took Isaiah Canaan the year AFTER he had a breakout role in college basketball. Great job, general manager/advanced statistics nerd Daryl Morey.

Indiana Pacers
Colton Iverson was the only player drafted from traditional powerhouse Colorado State and the Pacers traded the Rams big man to Boston. Know your history, kids.

Los Angeles Clippers
Reggie Bullock's last name sounds an awful lot like "bullet." The Clippers overplayed there hand here and revealed their planned name change before even announcing their interest. Next stop: Gilbert Arenas, hand gesture coach.

Los Angeles Lakers
They've had luck with large, bearded white men in the past, so why not take a flyer on an oft-injured, Euro-style forward like Ryan Kelly?

Memphis Grizzlies
If their picks pan out, the Grizzlies will have successfully addressed depth concerns at the shooting guard and small forward positions, but traded away a foreign guy named "Joffrey" during Game of Thrones' highest point of popularity yet. Pop culture fail.

Miami Heat
A franchise that faces constant criticism anyway, the Heat received the Hawks' "Ennis" problem after having no picks of its own during the draft. WAY TO MORTGAGE YOUR FUTURE, DUMMIES!

Milwaukee Bucks
They're either bringing Brandon Jennings back or handing the franchise's keys to an unathletic white guy who choked during his only game on a big stage in college. #NateWolters #Welp

Minnesota Timberwolves
Traded two of their picks and basically all they got was Shabazz Muhammad, he of the great 0.7 assists per game stat. He's also not a numerologist.

New Orleans Hornets/Pelicans
They come out looking pretty good on paper (except for the new name, obviously), but excluded themselves from the ranks of the NBA's en vogue by not adding a player with a knee injury.

New York Knicks
Couldn't convince Jason Kidd to stay so instead they drafted someone who was born during Kidd's freshman year at UCLA. Way to let an all-time great walk away, James Dolan.

Oklahoma City Thunder
The Thunder could have been the only team running a (lame) vintage comic book promotion based around a player named Archie, until Goodwin got flipped to Phoenix. As always, Suns win.

Orlando Magic
Orlando obviously didn't draft based upon the proper measurements since there were players available with much more nickname upside than George A. Romero Osby and Victor Von Olidoompo.

Philadelphia 76ers
Thanks to fine print in the NBA rule book, they weren't allowed to draft Greg Oden after agreeing to acquire Nerlens Noel from New Orleans. Oden-Noel-Andrew Bynum is the front court the NBA deserves, but not the one it needs right now (bylaw 11.09.4 via David Stern Hates Fun Clause).

Phoenix Suns
Shut up about Phoenix's mess of a professional basketball organization. I like Michael Beasley, okay?

Portland Trail Blazers
Whoa, look in the mirror before you walk out the door, historically-great-for-centers Portland. Your contempt for Jeff Withey is showing.

Sacramento Kings
In a deep draft, the Kings found a way to select one of the weakest point guards available AND a player whose enters the NBA with questions about his assertiveness. Bravo.

San Antonio Spurs
This franchise is one more European player away from being relocated to Marseilles.

Toronto Raptors
The 2013 NBA Draft will henceforth be referred to only as the "Raptors Rudy Gay Consolation Draft."

Utah Jazz
Is Jackie Moon GM-ing this team? Is he also the starting power forward? No one knows with all the f***ing trading you did, Utah. Seriously.

Washington Wizards
The Wiz duped Milwaukee into taking Nate Wolters, but must still rely on John Wall's knee/weight/tattoos to lead them. 

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